This was from September 4th, 2014 and for some reason it never posted and I can’t post it but was able to retrieve and copy and paste. 

Today my eldest daughter went to her second day of JK. This morning I am completely lost. I still have my youngest to care for and she certainly keeps me on my toes but I haven’t answered a thousand questions, haven’t heard “I’m hungry” an hour after breakfast or “Mommy, watch me, WATCH ME!” After dropping her off, I came home and turned the television on. Not because I wanted to watch it but because the house seemed eerily quiet without her voice, her sounds of play. I know that this ‘start of school’ business and the struggles that come with it (mostly for me I believe) are a certain ‘right of passage’ but that definitely doesn’t make it any easier. Sounds/questions that used to bother me/get on my nerves are now things I realize I absolutely took for granted. I am one of the more fortunate mothers (IMO) in that I have been able to stay home with my children (aside from 6 months after my first mat leave and working part time (evenings and weekends) before my second. I have been there to see almost all of her firsts… I know this may sound silly but I feel like a part of me is missing… I think the hardest part of all of this is that I finally felt like I was becoming the fun mommy I had always hoped to be. I suffered from PPD after my labour with her went the complete opposite of what I had planned for and expected (that’s another post in itself). But I guess what I am trying to say is that, I have been really working on being that fun, laid back sort of mom (still disciplining of course) that I always hoped/dreamed I would be. And I feel like I got ripped off, like we got gipped out of that. I know she is having a blast at school and I am entirely glad of it. I just feel kind of guilty, almost envious if you will; that I couldn’t provide that kind of environment for her until recently because of my own shortcomings. No one ever told me just how hard becoming a parent would be, how easily mistakes are made and not forgotten. My only hope for her, for me, for us; is that I can continue growing into that mother I always wanted to be so that when she comes home I will make those moments memorable. Cheers to blogging my “troubles” and being more of that Mom I want to!

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