I know that this is a very similar topic to my last post but I NEED to drive this home for myself. 

I have struggled for so long, food had stolen all joy from my life. I was beyond miserable, food consumed pretty well my every thought and more than that, my actions and reactions. I couldn’t focus on my blessings, my joy, my husband, children and of course anything else, really.  

My entire look on life was bitter.  Why couldn’t I be normal, why did I have to suffer this?  Why me, poor me, always in a pity party and unable to rise above it. 

This morning I made my husband and girls pancakes. I knew I would be making something different for myself.  You see, in the past I still would have done that but it would have been begrudgingly. I would have been so focussed and consumed on not being able to have it. 

Never mind that my stomach can’t handle gluten – I would have resented it – and been so focussed on the fact that I was ‘deprived’ instead of focussing on how wonderful it is to take care of my family and make them something they enjoy. I wouldn’t have heard the birds chirping, the sound of giggles from my girls at the table, the sounds coming from our budgie, I would have eaten my breakfast but not enjoyed it because it wasn’t what I really wanted…

This morning as I cooked and tidied the kitchen before sitting down to eat my own meal, I felt this peace and joy. That things have changed, that they are continuing to do so. Not only was I NOT disappointed that I couldn’t have pancakes, I was GRATEFUL that I was listening to my body!  I knew that I could have them because I’m not on a diet — this is a lifestyle change but I KNEW that I would immediately regretted my choice.  It would have lead to a terrible stomach ache. 

Instead, I sat down and enjoyed my meal, I felt happy, and dare I say it; proud.  But then I was thankful, you see I don’t often speak of it but I KNOW that this is largely attributed to prayer and the healing I have received.  I KNOW I have not done it on my own.  I know not everyone believes in God and I’m not here to force my belief system on anyone.  For me, though; my faith has gotten me through and continues to get me through MANY obstacles and trials and I am forever grateful. 

Oh how I wish I could properly convey the ‘feels’ I’m feeling, it’s beyond wonderful.  It’s incredible and I feel so blessed to be more aware, to have a better understanding. I feel enlightened when it comes to the food addiction I have suffered from for most of my life. Am I completely ‘cured’ you ask?  Oh no not at all – I still struggle, it’s hard some days, moments, minutes. BUT, I finally have hope because I know things CAN be different, that they are and that is THE.MOST.AMAZING feeling!  

Each day I have to make a choice and today I choose health!

Cheers to today!  Thanks for following xo

I had initially wanted to go live to discuss this topic but seeing as it’s a topic that brings a lot of emotions to the forefront for me – I decided it would be much more beneficial to write about it instead. I believe that is partly due to the fact that I know my thoughts will be all over the place and at least this way I can go back and read what I wrote before posting. 

*edit – I did end up going live today but still wanted to post this blog anyways. 

There have been many thoughts bouncing around in my head these past few weeks and I need to “talk” them out so as not to continue down on this path to bitterness that I have been rapidly spiralling on. 
I would like to begin first, by apologizing for being ‘all over the place’ with my thoughts. It would seem the longer between my ’bouts’ of writing, the more jumbled my head & thoughts become.

I have spoken recently about trying to find myself and I now believe that this is what ‘it’ all boils down to – I was this food crazed and obsessed version of myself for a very long time, but not anymore. 

I am a recovering addict – I know, I know, for some that will sound ludicrous and you’re wondering how someone can actually be addicted to food?! However, I can and will assure you that my habits and actions were very much that of an addict – just ask those dearest to me. 

Miriam-Webster’s Definition of an addict

transitive verb

1: to devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively • was addicted to gambling (or in my case food)

2: to cause addiction to a substance in (a person or animal) 

After reading an article today online called:   The Likely Cause of Addiction Has Been Discovered, and It Is Not What You Think (which I found to be more than just slightly enlightening), I realized not only CAN I get past this, I WILL! I KNOW this because I am blessed in the fact that I have the community in which the author speaks of in that article. 

I digress; I have been doing a lot of inward seeking, thinking, praying and personal development over the last while trying to get to the bottom of this food thing and where it all stems from. I do NOT want to end up back there because going back (for me) is NOT an option!! Everything I have read, learned, and realized has brought me to the realization that for most of my life “I ate my words & my feelings.”

I was so afraid; terrified even of thinking and/or speaking for myself for fear ‘they’ wouldn’t like or love me anymore; by they I mean everyone – friends, family, acquaintances, etc. In fact, I often found myself agreeing with the people in my life so as not to cause a ripple. Never, ever realizing that the people who truly loved me wouldn’t stop loving me for having a difference of opinion, or in my case opinions.  
I know that a portion of that is because my personal track record with speaking up in my past has not been good! Every time I ‘went against the grain’ I was either ridiculed, abandoned or my intelligence level and ability to think for myself was in question. 

I am becoming my authentic self which is something I never knew I always wanted…

Again, I have also spoken about being a people pleaser so as not to disrupt …life. Trouble is, these ‘habits’ I created made me lose myself in the process. MORE importantly deep down I was really upset at not truly speaking my mind, or voicing my OWN opinions and thoughts. This in turn, left me with a deep underlying bitterness at my own inabilities and at the people I couldn’t be my authentic-self with. I started “coping” through seeking solace in food and drink. 

To me, it was much easier to continue doing this than to wonder why I was being ruled by my addictions. 

Until one day I had enough!

I wish I could tell you the exact moment when I realized that I didn’t NEED to binge on food or wine; that I could change my path and journey to one of JOY! I can tell you that until the change really set in; the case with any change – there comes self doubt. Especially around whether I will lose more of the people whom I value, and love most?  
I guess it’s been on my mind quite a bit as my dreams over the last few weeks have actually been nightmares of these very worries coming to fruition. And now that I have to deal with my feelings instead of numbing them with food or drink, it’s HARD. We talk in coaching about ‘choosing your hard!’ and I MUST SAY this is the hard I choose. I’m going to continue down this new path and embrace my feelings, instead of numbing them!

Thanks for following. Happy Friday ☺️