I had initially wanted to go live to discuss this topic but seeing as it’s a topic that brings a lot of emotions to the forefront for me – I decided it would be much more beneficial to write about it instead. I believe that is partly due to the fact that I know my thoughts will be all over the place and at least this way I can go back and read what I wrote before posting.
*edit – I did end up going live today but still wanted to post this blog anyways.
There have been many thoughts bouncing around in my head these past few weeks and I need to “talk” them out so as not to continue down on this path to bitterness that I have been rapidly spiralling on.
I would like to begin first, by apologizing for being ‘all over the place’ with my thoughts. It would seem the longer between my ’bouts’ of writing, the more jumbled my head & thoughts become.
I have spoken recently about trying to find myself and I now believe that this is what ‘it’ all boils down to – I was this food crazed and obsessed version of myself for a very long time, but not anymore.
I am a recovering addict – I know, I know, for some that will sound ludicrous and you’re wondering how someone can actually be addicted to food?! However, I can and will assure you that my habits and actions were very much that of an addict – just ask those dearest to me.
Miriam-Webster’s Definition of an addict
1: to devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively • was addicted to gambling (or in my case food)
2: to cause addiction to a substance in (a person or animal)
After reading an article today online called: The Likely Cause of Addiction Has Been Discovered, and It Is Not What You Think (which I found to be more than just slightly enlightening), I realized not only CAN I get past this, I WILL! I KNOW this because I am blessed in the fact that I have the community in which the author speaks of in that article.
I digress; I have been doing a lot of inward seeking, thinking, praying and personal development over the last while trying to get to the bottom of this food thing and where it all stems from. I do NOT want to end up back there because going back (for me) is NOT an option!! Everything I have read, learned, and realized has brought me to the realization that for most of my life “I ate my words & my feelings.”
I was so afraid; terrified even of thinking and/or speaking for myself for fear ‘they’ wouldn’t like or love me anymore; by they I mean everyone – friends, family, acquaintances, etc. In fact, I often found myself agreeing with the people in my life so as not to cause a ripple. Never, ever realizing that the people who truly loved me wouldn’t stop loving me for having a difference of opinion, or in my case opinions.
I know that a portion of that is because my personal track record with speaking up in my past has not been good! Every time I ‘went against the grain’ I was either ridiculed, abandoned or my intelligence level and ability to think for myself was in question.
I am becoming my authentic self which is something I never knew I always wanted…
Again, I have also spoken about being a people pleaser so as not to disrupt …life. Trouble is, these ‘habits’ I created made me lose myself in the process. MORE importantly deep down I was really upset at not truly speaking my mind, or voicing my OWN opinions and thoughts. This in turn, left me with a deep underlying bitterness at my own inabilities and at the people I couldn’t be my authentic-self with. I started “coping” through seeking solace in food and drink.
To me, it was much easier to continue doing this than to wonder why I was being ruled by my addictions.
Until one day I had enough!
I wish I could tell you the exact moment when I realized that I didn’t NEED to binge on food or wine; that I could change my path and journey to one of JOY! I can tell you that until the change really set in; the case with any change – there comes self doubt. Especially around whether I will lose more of the people whom I value, and love most?
I guess it’s been on my mind quite a bit as my dreams over the last few weeks have actually been nightmares of these very worries coming to fruition. And now that I have to deal with my feelings instead of numbing them with food or drink, it’s HARD. We talk in coaching about ‘choosing your hard!’ and I MUST SAY this is the hard I choose. I’m going to continue down this new path and embrace my feelings, instead of numbing them!
Thanks for following. Happy Friday ☺️