You know what is crazy? That I wasn’t even sure how to address this email. Do I write Mother or Mom or Davina? Mother seemed most appropriate seeing as biologically that is what you are; Mom need not apply – just because you bring forth life into this world doesn’t mean you deserve said title.
For me, being a Mother is an unbelievable blessing. I put my daughters first, before my own needs. I am cogniscent of how my emotions/actions may or may not negatively affect their mental state. I make sure to keep my own mental and emotional struggles to myself because at 5 & 8 it is entirely inappropriate to involve them in either.
The problem quite simply put (as Aly stated) is that you never did this. I remember being younger than Hannah is now and being included in ‘conversations’ – I use that term lightly as the conversations were often one-sided and I would just listen in worry to whatever dilemma you were in whether it be with another member of our family or otherwise. I never truly got to live a proper childhood as mine was riddled with worry and a lack of security. You always seemed to play the victim and include me in whatever dramatic event was transpiring.
This letter is likely going to be a jumbled mess, I am out of practice so-to-speak as I have lost my voice over the last while… I have been so confused and unsure of what was real or not when it came to our ‘relationship.’ There were lies and deceit, gaslighting, manipulation, drama and just a whole lot of fuckery (for lack of a better term). I know you are aware of gaslighting term as you share your ‘truth’ with the world wide web and have shared your own claimed experiences with such.
The VERY real truth, ‘Mother’ is that at the end of the day you have failed at being the very thing you claim so proudly to be. You say that you would never leave us and that you wanted us but the way you selfishly behaved for our formative years paint a very different picture. I am not going to list all the details or ‘instances’ partly because I don’t have the bloody time, but; more than that I don’t care to relive all the nonsense and trauma that I am working so hard to get past and heal from.
You living here was a very real wake up call and although it was the greatest mind fuck ever, I am very thankful for it. You see, I believe that God put you back in my life like that so that I would see the real you. Also so that I would realize once and for all that I wasn’t crazy like I had previously believed.
As Aly has stated in her email, gone are the days where I was too weak to stand up to you and for myself. Gone are the days when you could compartmentalize all of us and keep us from sharing our stories with one another. I can’t believe that I spent most of my 35 years being jealous of my younger sister. That I believed she didn’t truly love me or that we would/could never be close as we have now become. However, looking back; I am very aware that there was a lot of intentional pot-stirring, wedge driving and FAR too much meddling.
I pray every.single.day for you; that one of these days you would come back to reality and that you could be the Mom both my sister and I deserved and hoped for. I pray for God to soften your heart and for you to cease being the victim and to rise above all of this. I pray for Him to take the anger and almost hatred from me toward you for all that has happened. I pray that I would forgive and for the abilty to move on. I do it because I don’t want to spend my life angry or seeking revenge or spend what is left of my life hating you like you have done with your own parents.
I am pissed that I can’t better articulate my feelings, that I can’t get it all out – BUT I would be here forever and likely even more angry than I am so desperately trying to ‘shake.’
I don’t hate you and that has nothing to do with me but EVERYTHING to do with God. You see; even though I don’t deserve everything He gives so freely, He gives it anyways and as someone who loves the Lord, I am called to forgive and not hate. I am called to be forgiving and compassionate and all the fruits of the spirit.
Galatians 5:22-26 says:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. And they that are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Let us not be desirous of vain glory, provoking one another, envying one another.
For years I have struggled with my faith and how to handle my relationship with you. I have sought council both from my church and through the system, I prayed and have done a lot of it. I mean how can I ‘claim’ to love the Lord if I can’t honour my parents. But, you see; just because we are called to:
Honour thy father and thy mother; that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee. – Exodus 20:12
I am also aware that as much as He wants me to honour my parents; that does not mean I am to endure what I have without removing myself from the situation. That I can still honour your hand in my existence all the while removing myself from the toxicity.
I could quote the bible more but I suspect you will just read this and think it is I; who is messed up.
I digress, when I started speaking to you again after our last ‘junk’ – it was because I felt that I was denying my own girls of a relationship with you. However; having you live here and hear you try to talk to them about your PTSD and mental health among other things that aren’t kid friendly. I realized that by keeping you in our lives I was actually doing us all a disservice.
I am sad that things have turned out this way but I am happy that I now realize guilt need not apply. I am simply doing what is best for my family and more importantly, myself.
I need to end on that. Not because I am finished and have nothing more to say but because I can’t waste another moment wishing things were different. I need to move on, focus on forward motion.
Although I wish you no evil and do not hate you; I am very aware and thankful for your hand at bringing me into this world. That being said; I wish to have no further contact with you going forward. I simply cannot. It is just a nasty reminder on all that I lost/missed out on while I was under your manipulation. Furthermore, please do not post that blog I wrote while I was under said manipulation and complete disillusionment when I wrote it. If you go over to my blog you will find it was removed and was done so ages ago.
No more emails, nothing further from you or I will also be forced to seek legal action. In your very own words, contact from you is a trigger and causes great stress and the thought of wondering when your next try may be l, causes great stress and anxiety of which I need neither.
What else can I say? I truly wish it had never come to this. As I mentioned above, I tried many times to be on your side to my own detriment; I’m afraid. I tried many times to fix us, I did everything I could and truly, I say to you; that I wish you no ill will. I don’t hate you, I am aware that my life would cease to exist without your part in it. For this, a part of me will always be grateful. However, I must do so from a distance.
I wish you well, I hope that you and Gary enjoy your new home and that you too, can find peace and move forward.