I had initially wanted to go live to discuss this topic but seeing as it’s a topic that brings a lot of emotions to the forefront for me – I decided it would be much more beneficial to write about it instead. I believe that is partly due to the fact that I know my thoughts will be all over the place and at least this way I can go back and read what I wrote before posting. 

*edit – I did end up going live today but still wanted to post this blog anyways. 

There have been many thoughts bouncing around in my head these past few weeks and I need to “talk” them out so as not to continue down on this path to bitterness that I have been rapidly spiralling on. 
I would like to begin first, by apologizing for being ‘all over the place’ with my thoughts. It would seem the longer between my ’bouts’ of writing, the more jumbled my head & thoughts become.

I have spoken recently about trying to find myself and I now believe that this is what ‘it’ all boils down to – I was this food crazed and obsessed version of myself for a very long time, but not anymore. 

I am a recovering addict – I know, I know, for some that will sound ludicrous and you’re wondering how someone can actually be addicted to food?! However, I can and will assure you that my habits and actions were very much that of an addict – just ask those dearest to me. 

Miriam-Webster’s Definition of an addict

transitive verb

1: to devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively • was addicted to gambling (or in my case food)

2: to cause addiction to a substance in (a person or animal) 

After reading an article today online called:   The Likely Cause of Addiction Has Been Discovered, and It Is Not What You Think (which I found to be more than just slightly enlightening), I realized not only CAN I get past this, I WILL! I KNOW this because I am blessed in the fact that I have the community in which the author speaks of in that article. 

I digress; I have been doing a lot of inward seeking, thinking, praying and personal development over the last while trying to get to the bottom of this food thing and where it all stems from. I do NOT want to end up back there because going back (for me) is NOT an option!! Everything I have read, learned, and realized has brought me to the realization that for most of my life “I ate my words & my feelings.”

I was so afraid; terrified even of thinking and/or speaking for myself for fear ‘they’ wouldn’t like or love me anymore; by they I mean everyone – friends, family, acquaintances, etc. In fact, I often found myself agreeing with the people in my life so as not to cause a ripple. Never, ever realizing that the people who truly loved me wouldn’t stop loving me for having a difference of opinion, or in my case opinions.  
I know that a portion of that is because my personal track record with speaking up in my past has not been good! Every time I ‘went against the grain’ I was either ridiculed, abandoned or my intelligence level and ability to think for myself was in question. 

I am becoming my authentic self which is something I never knew I always wanted…

Again, I have also spoken about being a people pleaser so as not to disrupt …life. Trouble is, these ‘habits’ I created made me lose myself in the process. MORE importantly deep down I was really upset at not truly speaking my mind, or voicing my OWN opinions and thoughts. This in turn, left me with a deep underlying bitterness at my own inabilities and at the people I couldn’t be my authentic-self with. I started “coping” through seeking solace in food and drink. 

To me, it was much easier to continue doing this than to wonder why I was being ruled by my addictions. 

Until one day I had enough!

I wish I could tell you the exact moment when I realized that I didn’t NEED to binge on food or wine; that I could change my path and journey to one of JOY! I can tell you that until the change really set in; the case with any change – there comes self doubt. Especially around whether I will lose more of the people whom I value, and love most?  
I guess it’s been on my mind quite a bit as my dreams over the last few weeks have actually been nightmares of these very worries coming to fruition. And now that I have to deal with my feelings instead of numbing them with food or drink, it’s HARD. We talk in coaching about ‘choosing your hard!’ and I MUST SAY this is the hard I choose. I’m going to continue down this new path and embrace my feelings, instead of numbing them!

Thanks for following. Happy Friday ☺️

Two months ago today, the world lost a one-of-a-kind guy.  He spent almost his entire working career fighting fires, being brave, saving lives and he even survived the talked about but not often experienced “backdraft”
My uncle was one of the most important men in my life (aside from my own father). He taught me to fish, took me tubing, all about buttermilk pancakes and so many more wonderful things. To say that I miss him is an understatement. Truth be told, I have spent most of the last two months in denial, not really grieving; afraid to accept it, wishing and praying that God could bring him back.
Aside from my own selfish reasons, because his wife and daughter miss him fiercely. Because his only daughter married the love of her life on her parents would have been 34th wedding anniversary and even though they were only getting married this year so he could be there, it still wasn’t soon enough. Because he was fantastic with children (I speak both from personal experience and also having the privilege of witnessing it with my own) and he won’t get to hold his own grandchildren or teach them how to cast or canoe or portage or any of the things he was great at. Because he was an amazing father to his daughter, amazing husband to his wife, amazing brother, son-in-law, firefighter, uncle, friend, person…
Sorry my thought process is jumbled and this is all over the place.
I’m a fairly new Christian and so I still have a LOT to learn but have to say that this has been and still is my biggest test of faith so far.  It has caused a lot of prayer and wondering why He would take such an incredible man so soon. Why He would let someone who was so selfless not only in his work but in his day to day life get ALS and let him die at such a young age.  I mean these were supposed to be their golden years.  My aunt and uncle worked hard their whole careers so they could enjoy their retirement and now she is a widow.  It is especially unfair because their love was so special.  The love they had for one another people spend their lives wishing and praying for.  How could God do this to my aunt and to my cousin? I know they say that He always takes the good ones first and in this case that is certainly true but it doesn’t make the pain any less, most especially for my aunt and cousin.
I pray to God that my uncle is in Heaven at peace and that he knows how much he is loved and missed by all those he left behind.

Well, I did it!  I have made it through a whole week so far without my “can’t live without it” FaceBook.  I have to admit that I am a bit proud of myself (not too toot my own horn or anything) but my husband didn’t think I could last a whole day, never mind an entire week.

Today I want to write about perspective.  Some times we are so caught up in the day-to-day stresses and struggles that we forget just how blessed we are.  Over the past year it has been my goal to focus on the positives in any and every situation (no matter how grim) in hopes to change my overall perspective and be live more in the present.  There have certainly been many instances where this was rather difficult (especially in the beginning) but I must admit that over time it has become much easier to seek out the good and to really reflect on all the wonderful things that are happening, that have been happening in my life from the beginning.

It really is true that everything happens for a reason, God really does have this great and awesome plan for his children and while the less than pleasant times are happening (and feeling as if they last forever I could add) looking back, all of the crappy times I went through, brought me to this very moment and I wouldn’t change a bit of it!

Take, for instance; my moving from the city to a small town in the middle of grade 11.  It was certainly one of the more difficult times in my life and I wished so badly that we would just move back to the city.  Looking back, I am beyond grateful for it – I met the most loyal, loving and compassionate friend I have ever had.   I feel incredibly blessed to be able to say we are still really good friends – she is the best friend I have ever had and would be lost without her!

How about pushing through the hardest job I have ever had and meeting the love of my life?!!  My Nana got me said job and because I didn’t want to disappoint her, I persevered.  Again, something so difficult turned out to be so very rewarding (for lack of a better expression) in the end.  I am now happily married with two beautiful children to this amazing man I met at such a chaotic time in my life.

I guess what I am trying to say is this: sometimes a change in perspective can make a world of difference.  I assumed that giving up my coveted Facebook would be awful but I am finding more time for things I have been wanting to do but didn’t “have time” for!

Blessings xo

This was from September 4th, 2014 and for some reason it never posted and I can’t post it but was able to retrieve and copy and paste. 

Today my eldest daughter went to her second day of JK. This morning I am completely lost. I still have my youngest to care for and she certainly keeps me on my toes but I haven’t answered a thousand questions, haven’t heard “I’m hungry” an hour after breakfast or “Mommy, watch me, WATCH ME!” After dropping her off, I came home and turned the television on. Not because I wanted to watch it but because the house seemed eerily quiet without her voice, her sounds of play. I know that this ‘start of school’ business and the struggles that come with it (mostly for me I believe) are a certain ‘right of passage’ but that definitely doesn’t make it any easier. Sounds/questions that used to bother me/get on my nerves are now things I realize I absolutely took for granted. I am one of the more fortunate mothers (IMO) in that I have been able to stay home with my children (aside from 6 months after my first mat leave and working part time (evenings and weekends) before my second. I have been there to see almost all of her firsts… I know this may sound silly but I feel like a part of me is missing… I think the hardest part of all of this is that I finally felt like I was becoming the fun mommy I had always hoped to be. I suffered from PPD after my labour with her went the complete opposite of what I had planned for and expected (that’s another post in itself). But I guess what I am trying to say is that, I have been really working on being that fun, laid back sort of mom (still disciplining of course) that I always hoped/dreamed I would be. And I feel like I got ripped off, like we got gipped out of that. I know she is having a blast at school and I am entirely glad of it. I just feel kind of guilty, almost envious if you will; that I couldn’t provide that kind of environment for her until recently because of my own shortcomings. No one ever told me just how hard becoming a parent would be, how easily mistakes are made and not forgotten. My only hope for her, for me, for us; is that I can continue growing into that mother I always wanted to be so that when she comes home I will make those moments memorable. Cheers to blogging my “troubles” and being more of that Mom I want to!

I must confess – I hardly thought about it today. Sure there were a couple times I thought oh, I’ll share that picture or post this…

But it is getting easier, at least for now. It could be that I am filling my time up with other things, more productive activities.

Today I took my youngest to the mall for some clearance shopping – I always check the clearance racks this time of year and ‘guesstimate’ what size the kids will be wearing next winter. Found some pretty good deals today.  I also took her to the library for a mommy and me class – what a hoot!

Aside from spend time with my girls and do the bit of running around, etc today I didn’t get much housework done or have the chance to be uber productive and that leaves me wondering how did I find the time before?

Anywho, I have a sick kiddo who is sleeping for the moment so I better keep this quick and see what I can accomplish!

Blessings xo